Tell me about yourself.
– Like a swarm, I are one. My sound is many, many is one.
What are your strengths?
– Technologically advanced. Breaking fuses. 360 no scopes.
What are your weaknesses?
– Many Doritos™ breaks.
Why do you want this job?
– Hidden in the streams of reality lies a vortex, a knot in time if you will. Acquiring access to this whirlpool opens a gateway, through which any dimensional traveller can spread their influence, be it good or evil, over the naive, quivering, unsuspecting world.
Where would you like to be in your career five years from now?
– Pretty much Fukqt. Album. Wipe an entire genre of music off the face of the earth. Park ranger.
What’s your ideal company?
– Valve Corporation.
Why should we hire you?
– The Light can only hold fast for so long. An age will arise wherein all you have come to hold dear will be but a whisper of a forgotten time, crushed beneath the weight of The Darkness, like a seashell disintegrates beneath the heavy sole of a marching boot.
What can you do for us that other candidates can’t?
W̵̷̗͕ͧ͗̀̇̃̇̾̑ͅĕ̪̹̄͠͞ ͚͚̑͐e̢̨͉̮̬̖̙̼͉̖̎͗͋̑͆̌c̡̫̹̈́̀̚l̵̡̩̮̘̗̫̮̭ͤ̌͂͆ͥ̍ͯ̀ȋ̻͎͙̭̬̼̫̯͆ͨ̌͗p͓̖̼͖̙͑̏̈́̏s͙̜̜̹͎͍̘̞͆̃͛̃̿̊ͨ̃ͦ͟e̖̜̟̹̱͊͗ͪ̒ͫ́̚ ͖͕̝͎͇̓̈ͫͧ͑ş̡̠̘̮̞̗̈̃̊͊ͪ͘p̛͍͑̇ͦ̓͘͜ͅą͇̳̞͖̻͓̒ͫ̋͜͞c̡͖̺̻͈̟͔͉ͩͬ̽̚e̙̠̰ͤ̃̇̇ͮ̓̕ ̴̡̠̰̦͎̫͍̩̣̘ͯ̍̾̏̌a̸̦̲̦̞ͩͤ̍ͮn̛̞̘̔̒͑̍̀ͫ́͡d̵̡̯̥̳̖̘̿̏͒̿̿̒̓̑̐ ̯̖̖̗̣͙̩͚̽ͦ̑ͮ̈͛͗̍̒͝ṭ̷̛̬̬͇̬̘̂ͪ͋̆i͍̝̻̱̭ͬ̂̅ͣ͒̚m̂ͤ҉̵͖̗̙ę̸̹͔̰̬̩̌̿ͪ̄̐ͣ͛.ͮ҉̶̰ ̧̗̰͍ͤ͛̋͛͡͠L̷̢͓̭̬̫͉̅͒ͦ̑̇͒īͨ̏̀̑ͭ͗҉͓̖͟k̵̦̬̪̰̘̰̖̽͢e̵̩̺̞̩̻̣̺͂ͮ͑̾̃͐ͣͮ̆͢ͅ ̥̝̝͖̼̠͎͚̂̔â͕͉̦̳̫̅͒̈̚͢ ̶̗̳̺̾ͧ̊s̛̻̙͆̉ͬ̽̌̽̐͛̉w̛̯̯̝̜̫̎͛͂̀ͤ̿̚̚a̷͔̋́̐̉͌͋r̸̪̖͕͔̜ͮ̒͘m͕̫͔̱͉͑͗ͯ̊̐͞,̥̪̊͂͋ ̢̄̈̍͏̦̫̖I͛͏̰̣̗͈̀ ̀̍̍͂̋̎̈̿̀҉͎̩̹͖͙̠͚̼a̶̢͇͚̟͌ͯͩr̢̳̱͉̦̲̗͖͈ͭͤ̀͛̍̒ͤ͆́͝e̵͙̝̓̎̇ͣ̓͠͝ ̶͔͖͉̬̤̹͚͉̗̔o̺̝̗̫ͧͪͪ̀ͤ̇n̟̦̊ͥͧͯ͆ͥ̄̀e̷̢̬̭͇̝̲̗̟̼̽́ͮͦ͌̽.̝̠̯͉̰̆̇͛ͦ̚̕̕ ̜͔̳͕̳̖̏̓ͯ͊͡ͅL̪͓͖̜̦̀ͧ͆̈́̍̓̏ͅͅi̸̷̡̤̘̹̘̪̩̓͗͌͆k̢̮͂̆̄͑͠e̮̠̞̺͎̳̪̾̿ͫ̅ ̥̙̲̯̯̐͌̂̕͝ợ͓̟̤̯̤̆̃ͨ̆́͆̒ͨ̈́̕n̴̞̖̞̺̫ͯ́̄͗̽͛̒e̍ͥ̋͒ͭ̂ͬͧ͏̫̘ ̸͛҉̤̫̞̱ͅo̧̞̣͊̔͛͛̍͡ȑ̶̡͉̟̳̼̻̹̫͌̍̚͡g̥̻̟̓̈́ͨ̑̑̾̍̚͡a̛̫̳̫̫̠͈ͭ̊͐́͛͌͒͟n̝̙̰̪̖̥̆̄̓̇͛̄̂̊i̵̮̰͎͓̺͚̣͖ͩ́͌̚͞ṡ̮̩͖̦̞ͬ̃m̸̨͙̹̥͌̀,̡͙̯͙̪̣̝ͬ̋͒ͪ ̸͔̹̦ͭ̇ô̧̪͛ͪ͠ͅṋ̩̯̝̅ȩ̳̥͚̦̗̻͈ͮ ̢̣͍̙ͩ̈́̇̀d̡͈͉̟̑͂̑ͯ̅͆̇̀į̬ͭ̑͟s̜̳͔̙̹ͨͤ͊ͫ̅̄̅́̕̕ͅȩ̱̺̤̩̀̆͋̇͜a̵̳̰̘̬͎͛̚ͅs̨̳̠̣͇ͩ̓͜e̺͖̙̦͚͖̅͌ͫ͘,̩̬̞͙̯̜̺ͥ̃ ̯̟̜͕̫̼͈̻̋a̠̣͍͙̙͕͐̊ͤ̓̽̃̚n̨̝̹̻̼̝͍̏ͫ͝ͅ ̸̩̱͍̰̄̿͊ͤ͆ͤͦ͜ụ̡̱͂ͣ̏͞n̴̠͇̪͉ͥͭ̂s̠̙͍̜̟̙ͩ̃ͬ͊̿ͭ̃ͭͅt̷̗͇̆̒̌ͫ͒͌̀̚ȯ̠̞̰͆̅ͭp̸̢͕̩͍ͤ́͒̄̒̉̀͞pͨͧ̔̂̓͌̊͒҉҉̡̝̭͔̥̱aͣͩ̔̐͡҉͈̖̻͔͔b̳̪̣̓̌͗̇̄̄ͬl̩͕̪͉̰͔͚̝̔͌͆͐͟ĕ̶͉̠̱͋ͮͅ ̷̶̮͍̼̜̠̱͓͑͋ͫͅw͕̫͚̬̩̹͍̠ͫ̈́̄͛̅̏͡ā̛̲̬̬̙͖̟̝͎̰̉͋̎̅͊̒͜v̮͈̮͗̓̆͆̓̃̇̀ͅḛ͉̫̘͌̂ͨͫ͂͛ͪ̚.̩̟̣͓̜̝̈̔ ̡̯̖̫͍̩̰̘̈́͗̄͛A͓̻̱̫̝͚̞ͣͣ̉̿̀́̕ͅ ͈̟̹̿͗̐̋ͦ͝vͪ̓̈́̀̐͏̭̹͕̝̤̻̼̰̘͟͡a̻͇̺͚͚ͣ̑̓̒̕ͅŝ̸̩̱͂͗͑̎͋̚t͎͎̲͓̹͚̠͚͌͑ͯͤͤ̾,̶͓ͥ͒ͧͥ͆͢ ̢̛͍̬̜͂ͪ̿͗̐ṫ́ͮͦ̌́̐͘͏͎͔̝̫͉̭o̅̈͐ͪ͏͕̣w̭͇̖͓̰̙̮̝ͫ̆e̴̹̯̟̹ͣ̂ͦ̎̓̌͡r̵̅ͪ͆̉͒ͧ͑̓͗͏̮̜̭̥̯̹̬̝i̪͇̞͍̺̣͉ͦ̓̔ͅǹ̢̧͙̠ͬͣͣ̓͢g̶̡̧͓̫ͫ͒͒͂ ̡̡̫̜͍̻ͣ̌͐͡ͅw̡̹͚̜̮̭̗͚̪̋̋ͤ̉ͮ̿͊ͣã̸͌̌͂̊ͥ͒̆͏̺̗͘l̛̯̙̭̙ͣ͑̈̆͑l̦͎̱̰̘ͪͧ̆͂͗͆͒ ̨̮̙͒̓ͮ̓̑ͨ̆o̸̓ͦ́ͧ̆͆҉̫̩͉̜͉f̡̯ͦͣͨ̽̀͡ͅ ̷̧̘͔͋̂ͪ̾̚͜ń͙̳̭̐ͬ̈͡o̞̺̺͙̮̺ͪ̔ͮt̗̱̝͉ͨͣ̄͢͞h̡̭̳̘̥̞̑ͮ̿ͧ̔͒̍ͅǐ̫̬̗̦̌ͤ͟n̢͖̻̟̙̰̭̂̕͡g̍̃̑ͨ̾͏̢̬̞̰ͅ.̷̫̳̭̖̦̯̝̠̍̾̋̈̏͜͞ ̛̯̤̄̍ͬ͒͋̓̆̄͞N̢͙͈̼̟̖̺̠͇ͥͧͤͥ̀͑̍o̸͇̩̹ͤ͐t̢͈̭̯̮̝ͨͫ͒̂ͭ̏̏͐ͦh̟̫̖̮̤ͩͦ͆ͩ̎̌̈́͢ȉ̸̸͓̱͉̼̈̇̂̚͡n̙̹̲͔͓̓͑ͥ͌̄ͨ̽ͦ́g̤̦͚̥̘̮̀́ͨ̄͊̔ͬͯ̇.̢̛̳͖͓͎͍̟͚̄̔̀͂̽̍̾̆́ͅN̸̬̥͙̹̫̺͔̱̓͊ͭ͗̃́͒̚o̼͚̫̯̞̘̳̍ͨͪ͟ṫ̴̺̘̹̹̜̠̫̩̔̄͑ͩ̃̒̀ͅh̶̷͇̤̅̿̿͞i͕͓̪̤̎ͭ̽̋̒ͤ͆̉̀nͬ̓͏͇̤̙̼̀ģ͎̻̬̝̠̌̃̃͡.͓̘̰̭͖̦̱ͨ͆̈́̃̀͟ No̸̓ͦ́ͧ̆͆҉̫̩͉̜͉ṫ̴̺̘̹̹̜̠̫̩̔̄͑ͩ̃̒̀ͅh̶̷͇̤̅̿̿͞i͕͓̪̤̎ͭ̽̋̒ͤ͆̉̀nͬ̓͏͇̤̙̼̀ģ͎̻̬̝̠̌̃̃͡.͓̘̰̭͖̦̱ͨ͆̈́̃̀͟
What recent acomplishments are you proud of?
– We have completed three new Hymnes of Destruction. The first pair shall be spread upon existance as an entwined couple, named thusly: Waffle Stomp and Fuse Breaker. The third shall be unveiled on a shortly forthcoming point in your timeline.
Are you willing to relocate?
– I am everywhere.
Give me an example of a time that you felt you went above and beyond the call of duty at work.
– I once drank 19 bottles of Mountain Dew™ and played every TTM™ vinyl record backwards at 4 RPM to analyze all hidden messages.
Can you describe a time when your work was criticized?
– “The Black Death was one of the most devastating pandemics in human history, resulting in the deaths of an estimated 75 to 200 million people and peaking in Europe in the years 1346 – 53. The plague created a series of religious, social, and economic upheavals, which had profound effects on the course of European history. 1/10 – Would not recommend.” – N.Y. Times
How do you handle working with people who annoy you?
– We spread Darkness and Despair in their timeline, like a child stirring India ink through her morning milk with the unclad finger-bone of a long dead poet.
If I were your supervisor and asked you to do something that you disagreed with, what would you do?
– We would spread Darkness and Despair in your timeline, like a child stirring India ink through her morning milk with the unclad finger-bone of a long dead poet.
If you found out your company was doing something against the law, like fraud, what would you do?
– Law?HAHAW̲̥̮̭͚̱̦̌ͦ̔̉̕͝e̔͂ͪ̕͝͏̜̞̲̬̤ ̡̬̟͈͎͓̞͖͆͑̾̿ͥ͞t̖͕͎̲̯̰͇͌̈́ͭ̽ͦ̆̓ͥ̀͠r͚͚̙͕͈̞ͨͬ͆̏͊̋͂̚̕a͍͇̳̗͇̘͕̿̓̿ͬ͋͒̇̀͢n͖̺̞̹̟̩̩̜̽̌̎̉͞s̖̗͕̻ͯͬ̔͊ͮ̆̉ͥ͝c̴̛̣̭̥͛͑ͯ͆ͯ́e̹̪̯̭̙͆ñ̴̝̲̙͕͚̟͈͙̊̅̅ḑ̯̤ͬ̍̀͠ ̲̱̥̼͈͎ͤͣͪ͑ͬͯţ̰̺̩̭̠̳̦͕͋ͦ̐̽̓̏ͨ̑͛́i͙͚̐̍̿͌͌ͮͩ͠m̧͇̲̻̰̻̥̥ͬ̈͛̌̆ͣ̋͞e̵̳͎̥̝̥̎ͪͭͨ͂̀ͮ̕.̷͙͕̣̮̪̃̆͟ ̡̧̜̠̭̠̖̘̻͗͌̊ͪ̂̎́H̱̠͒̈́͒ͣͪ̂u͒ͨ͒͏̳͖̣̹̗̠͓̕͡m̸͇̬͈̺̹ͦ̇ͫ͊̀ả͖̙̮͙̹͙̺̦̟͂̀͝ņ̖̭̬̱ͣ͘͞ͅi͚͉̖̤̯̜̪͐̒ͅt̍ͪ̃͗̋̏̃҉̷̶̳̗̪̮̣̠͓̙͚y̶̡̺̗͍̰̭̫̖̅̓ͥ͌ͮ͐ͤ͊̕ ̤͉̰̦̥̑a̓͏̡͖̯̻̫͓̺ͅn͓͔̙̰ͣ̊ͩ̏̀ḑ̬̼̻̱̩̙͎̥̲̃̓̐̽͌ͣ͑̃ ̘̩̩͍͐ͬ͊͒͗t̨̥̪̻̭̙̫̳͖̑̔ͧ̇h̷̭͙̣̺̭̿͞e̛͙̲̣͗ͦͯ̋́͠i͕̎̄̄ͥͨ̄̄ͦr̸̡̭̉̋͝ ̻̬͍̅̍́a̧̰͙ͤ̿̾ͥͧ̂͡d̨̥ͮ̎ͤò͇̫̥̞͔͎͕̼̐̄͋ͭ̏ͬ͠r̳̥͈̺̝̐̌͆̆ͦ̉̔ͅa̰̳͈̣̳̜͖ͩ͆́̀ͅb̷͓ͧ̈͑̒͠l̸̼̹̒͋ͅe̴̪͕̅̃ͧ,̹̦̞͚̖̣̺̾ͨͨ̃̈̋̾ͣ́͜ͅ ̛͉̩͇̥͇͋̀͐ͣ͆̚̚̕͢p̡̜̪̟̥̱̼͇͈̿̋̈́e̮̺̥̍͑ͦ͐́̆͘t͚̮ͩͮͫ̿ţ͖͈ͤ̄ͦͩ͆̕͡ȳ͈͙̘͕ͪ͑̋ ̶̜͇̼͖͓̖͙̾̎̓ͥͩ́̎ͬͬ́ͅr̸̸͍͇̳̥̲͖̋ͧ̆̃̑͌̒u̍̋ͭ̉̈̉͏̵̫̝͉̼l͙̳̠̥̤͓̬͚̄ͦ͊ͭͅḛ̵̥͕͉̠͕̽͗̆̓̈͆́ͥ̊͠s̝͕̝̰̠͖̳ͦ͒͐́͠ ͙̰͉̥͚͈̄̉̑̓m̞͎̗̝͙̰̺͖̻̐͌̑ê̬̭̮̲̟̜͗̿ͪ̊͑̃́a̷̪̰̼̗̯͒̈́̏̿̚̕ͅn̏ͭ̓̔ͣ̉̿͏̩̱͕͈͕̩̞͎͖ ̰̣͉̟͕̤̖̔͛̎͊ͨͅa̯̫̩̜̮̮̜͉͗̍̓͟ͅs̵̨̝̼̰͈̺̫̮̔ͦͯͩ̿ͧ̉̕ ̶͔̙͉͔͍̱̠͈ͬͦ̎́m̶̢̟̗̖͍̝̲̐ͤ͝u̪͕̺͐ͤͦ̇ͦ͂̏ͯ̀͞c̘̼̞̜̆̃ͫ̏ͮ̐h͈̺̮̗͇̋͋ͯͥ̏͐́͢ ͎̗̠͖̲̘̦̩͋͒ͮ̾̏̔͗͒ͨ͘͢͡ͅt̻͙͑͊̍͗́̚̚o̸̫̳ͨͧ̎̈́ͦͬͭ ̳̜̻̝̭̳̮͙ͦ̾̕ų̊̽̿̏̾ͤͅͅş̩̠̻͙͔̱͔͑̊͊͐̚ ͔̻̘̱ͣ̎̓ͤͧͭ̀a̗̤̥̹̭͆̎ͅͅ ̦̖̞̿ͮͥ̊̓ͨ͜p̢̡͈̟̬̠̦͊͂̏̄ͬͯr̶͙͈̊ͧͤ̅̃̑ḁ̝̤̞͖͓͔̋͛ͥͦ͂m͙̹͍̺͚̗̱̓̓̒́ ̱͈̬̙̣̪͚ͮ̀͘͠ͅm͇̭̣̓ͨͫ̌ͮ̋̈ą̴̠͈͍͔̘͍͒͂̊̏͞ͅt̤͓̭͇̳̞̟̓̊̊͐͠ͅt͙̝̟͚̙̝̝̤ͩͥ̽ͣ̍̓ͫ̐̕e̞͔̬̰̠̠̺͉̐͂͊r̴̞̻͙͉͍͋ͥ̓͛̉ͨs̼̬͍͈̘̻͚̰̝̎̚̕ ̄̎̍͆͟͞҉͉̯̠̟̗̙ͅt͗́͂̍̆͂͝͏͙̠ͅo͈̜̝͍͙̫͎ͯ̂̅̈͆̕ ̧̧͙̳̳̼̿̌͑̈͞a̢̜̬͚̜̺̰͎͌ ̛̻̗͚̦͍͉ͧ͜͞b̲̠̘͙͕̥͈͙͔̅͛͞͞l͎̦ͬͫͯ̍̅͜͞a̵͙̺͔̪̾̒͘ͅc̵̴̲̏͒ͫͩ͋͛̌k̤̲̾̋ ̝̭͍͕̥̳̖̻̄ͮ͗͘h̨̢͕͓̼̖̠̳̅̈̃͑́͞o̡͉̜̥̓̿ͪͪ͌͛͡l̺ͬ͗̋́̄̇̈̀e̴̛͖̘͈ͧ͢.̵̹͎͇͕͓̟̺̼ͦͤ̇͆̆̊͐͂
What are you looking for in terms of career development?
– We will become undeniable.
What kind of goals would you have in mind if you got this job?
– The utter and complete dismemberment of existence.
How would you describe your work style?
– Loud. Disruptive. Terrible. Dank. Occasionally funny.
What three character traits would your friends use to describe you?
– Dark. Ominous. Pretty hilarious.
Sell me this pencil.
– How about a magic trick?